how to mourn
cross-posted at Sexual Ambiguities
How do you mourn someone? Let alone people you’ve never met? Why would you?
Transgender Day of Remembrance is not a once-a-year deal. You don’t show up for services, murmur “lest we forget” and then promptly forget for the rest of the year. Today lives within us, because we cannot afford to forget.
Still. Today most of all, we remember those who were killed. Because we die violently, unmemorialised, and are mocked after our deaths.
Because the world sees us disposable, less than human (and who can mourn that?). Many of the dead lost their lives because they were trans women of colour, doubly disposable. Racism is killing our sisters every bit as much as trans misogyny is.
Who would mourn a thing, a that, an it?
Few will respect our lives as they were, and few will mourn them, and they must be mourned. Their lives were meaningful, their names and genders were real and important, and they lost their lives from hate.
Today we hold on to some memory, even if it only be a name and a photo, so that they are not as erased as completely as their killers would have.
Because the medical people treating them will have tried to erase them. The media. The police. The juries. Will try to excuse, to render less than real, the lives that have been lost. Because who would mourn? Who would bother?
This is not Pride. This is remembering our dead. This is not something you can make fucking upbeat and acceptable and call “awareness.”
And yes, today we remember those of us still living–our fear, the fear that lives at the heart of every trans person, that someone will know that we are trans, and will kill us for it. Today we remember all the other times we murmured “oh fuck” as we read the news. Today we discover the deaths we missed, because we couldn’t bear hearing about them anymore for awhile, even though we must. We must.
Sometimes we forget ourselves, you know. Sometimes we think that if we look like cissexuals, pass like them (are passed like them), that they must accept us. And we forget that it is only the fact that they have assumed we have the same gender history as them that keeps them from hating us.
We do not live fake lives. We do not live as nicknames, as aka. We live hard, we love hard–we have to. And we deserve to be mourned.
…but don’t worry, the HRC isn’t *observing* the Transgender Day of Remembrance, it’s *celebrating* it.
no, really: http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=8310
i’m out of words on this one, too. i’m out of words a lot lately.
algormortis
20 Nov 08 at 4:21 am
We, the LGBT in Malaysia will be holding our first Transgender Day Of Remembrance on the first weekend of December. Please e-mail me any thoughts in writing to yukichoe@gmail.com so that we can share it on that day. There is a need for us to observe on what is going on at a larger scale beyond South East Asia. Drop us some reflections, so that we know we are not alone in this Muslim governed country.
I came to know last year that many transgender WOC are killed here, especially the Indian community. But it is grossly swept under the carpet by authorities. It is really a lonesome journey full of bigotry here. Most Malaysians are actually nice people. Unfortunately some are really bent on making our lives as miserable as possible especially the religious authorities.
Yuki Choe
20 Nov 08 at 7:06 am
Wow. “Celebrating” the day of remembrance. The HRC keeps on reaching new lows it its transphobia.
Julia
20 Nov 08 at 8:06 am
[...] Says Queen Emily: Transgender Day of Remembrance is not a once-a-year deal. You don’t show up for services, murmur “lest we forget” and then promptly forget for the rest of the year. Today lives within us, because we cannot afford to forget. [...]
Transgender Day of Remembrance 2008 : The Curvature
20 Nov 08 at 8:54 am
[...] Transgender Day of Remembrance Posted on November 20, 2008 by sublimefemme In honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance, here is queenemily’s “how to mourn” from Questioning Transphobia [...]
Transgender Day of Remembrance « Sublimefemme Unbound
20 Nov 08 at 9:38 am
[...] Violence of Forgetting Posted on November 20, 2008 by purtek Today, November 20th, is Transgender Day of Remembrance. While I can get cynical and frustrated with November 11th ceremonies mourning [...]
The Violence of Forgetting « A Secret Chord
20 Nov 08 at 11:56 am
xoxoxo
bfp
20 Nov 08 at 12:18 pm
[...] is Transgender Day of Remembrance. My darling Queen Emily demands we all remember how to mourn: Who would mourn a thing, a that, an [...]
La Alma de Fuego… » Blog Archive » Remembering, Mourning
20 Nov 08 at 12:27 pm
[...] now, I just want to quote Queen Emily (cross-posted at Questioning Transphobia) – Today most of all, we remember those who were killed. Because we die violently, unmemorialised, [...]
“Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it” ~ George Santayana « Better burn that dress, sister.
20 Nov 08 at 1:24 pm
[...] Emily on how to mourn: Today we hold on to some memory, even if it only be a name and a photo, so that they are not as [...]
Today - Transgender Day of Remembrance « don’t do that
20 Nov 08 at 2:20 pm
My heart aches. The list of the dead seems to be increasing so very fast, but every addition makes me feel really, really bitter about the world we live in.
I linked to this post today. *hugs*
bint alshamsa
20 Nov 08 at 3:11 pm
For some reason-maybe its the melancholy stemming from the rotten economy-but this seems waaay more poignant than last year. Or maybe its just me maturing as a transsexual-I know its fashionable among some transpeople to bash TDOR, as its too depressing and we shouldn’t be wallowing in self pity.
Regardless, I think its good simply to have a day devoted to the trans community (even if its sober and somber) and not simply tacked on at the end of Pride weekends.
Amanda in the South Bay
20 Nov 08 at 3:54 pm
I don’t know what it is either, Amanda, but I’m feeling the same way. Last year I was mostly sad but this year I feel anger more than anything else.
bint alshamsa
20 Nov 08 at 5:44 pm
[...] Link to Queen Emily Here [...]
Opopanox, Home of the Arrogant Worm
20 Nov 08 at 6:35 pm
Thank you for that Yuki. I think that’s a really important point – the TDOR list itself is very US-centric, because these are the deaths that are being publicised and sensationalised by the media. Other areas obviously don’t do this, and we can’t forget the violence that occurs in silence and is hushed up.
queenemily
20 Nov 08 at 11:41 pm
[...] Questioning Transphobia: Few will respect our lives as they were, and few will mourn them, and they must be mourned. Their [...]
Transgender Day of Remembrance | Change Happens: the SAFER blog
21 Nov 08 at 12:45 am
[...] I’ll have something up tomorrow. Em’s post is a good one, however, and has many [...]
Apologies « Questioning Transphobia
21 Nov 08 at 12:47 am
Just to inform everyone here that the TDOR Malaysia will be held tomorrow now to be closer to Nov 20th.
Related articles here:
http://tiltedworld.org/2008/11/20/remembering-our-dead-transgender-day-of-remembrance-2008/
http://tiltedworld.org/2008/11/20/transgender-day-of-remembrance/
I will be there to share thoughts from the States and from this part of the world. Prayers be with all our fallen. Let us remember and mourn not only for one day but everyday, because those who have left us lost all opportunity to live that next day. Peace and Love.
Yuki Choe
21 Nov 08 at 4:06 am
[...] She was found dead a week later. Sublimefemme links to a powerful post about mourning by queenemily. This is not Pride. This is remembering our dead. This is not something you can make fucking upbeat [...]
gravity’s rainbow » What I’ve noticed
23 Nov 08 at 1:18 pm
thanks for the links, yuki. i agree that it’s important to recognise the violence done to trans people in all areas of the world. as an australian, i am particularly interested in creating more connections with people in other countries in the region.
nix
24 Nov 08 at 6:02 pm
I see you are all busy chatting it up at the other post. :- ) Hope you all do not mind me being late in mentioning about TDoR in Malaysia though. Take care.
http://tiltedworld.org/2008/12/04/we-will-remember/
Yuki Choe
3 Dec 08 at 12:16 pm
[...] posts worth reading: queenemily at Questioning Transphobia: How to Mourn, Cara at the Curvature: Transgender Day of Remembrance 2008, Autumn at Pam’s House Blend: [...]
Transgender Day of Remembrance « I am the Lizard Queen!
16 Apr 09 at 9:34 am
[...] reading: Queen Emily’s how to mourn from last [...]
TDOR 2009 « Zero at the Bone
19 Nov 09 at 2:48 pm
[...] people have written good words on it that I want to link to. Emily @QT writing about how to mourn and about Witnessing. Gudbuytjane has written something similar here that also focuses on the [...]
Dreaming of Butterflies » Transgender Day of Rememberance 2009
20 Nov 09 at 8:54 am
[...] Queen Emily put it last year, “… today we remember those of us still living–our fear, the fear that [...]
Transgender Day of Remembrance 2009 - The Pursuit of Harpyness
20 Nov 09 at 9:40 am
[...] Links: Suicide Ends Transgender Lives, Too, How Do Transgender People Suffer from Discrimination? How to Mourn, AND How to Check Your Cis [...]
Links for the Week - Trans Day of Remembrance Edition | Dangerous Women
21 Nov 09 at 9:12 am