Disclosure and Dating
This is a vent, and this is the best place for my vent:
So every time there is a conversation about trans people dating cis people, cis people come out of the woodwork to lay down the command that all trans people are required to disclose upon commencing any relationship. They also say that not disclosing is explicitly lying.
For some strange reason, however, there is never any onus on cis people to list “being trans” as one of the dealbreakers for a relationship. If every cis person would explicitly indicate whether or not they were willing to have relationships with trans people, this would not be an issue and no one would ever argue for mandatory, forced disclosure.
But since we live in the real world where trans people have to navigate cissexism, transphobia, outright hatred, and violence, and where cis people just casually assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise, trans people are left having to decide for ourselves how we approach relationships.
It’s up to any given trans person to decide who they are willing to date and how they filter those people, just as it is for everyone else. It is up to trans people to determine when and if disclosure is necessary. Choosing not to disclose is not lying, as everyone has a right to privacy and boundaries. No relationship requires every participant to reveal absolutely everything about themselves so that they share 100% – no matter how many cis people claim this is the case but only when discussing whether they think trans people should be required to disclose.
I am not saying that trans people should or should not disclose. I am saying it’s a choice. Since trans people have to live with being trans, then it is up to trans people to decide how to negotiate that.
I also realize that for many, non-disclosure may not be an option at all. I also realize that for many, non-disclosure may actually involve lying about their gender (non-binary especially). I understand that this entire argument is biased toward binary trans people who have the option of not disclosing without also lying about their true gender.
I am just annoyed with cis people trying to make these decisions for us and tell us how we are supposed to live. Obviously, they cannot make these decisions for us, but it is the assumption, and the assertion, that they are uniquely positioned to demand compliance with their bullshit.
Edit to add: Demanding 100% disclosure of everything ever in someone’s history in order to have a relationship is controlling and abusive. It is not typical behavior in a relationship, and no one is entitled to this.
Thank you. It was so direct and to the point and well argued. This is the best response I’ve seen to that attitude which is a perennial thorn in a trans person’s life.
Hypatia
25 Jun 11 at 5:00 pm
Beautiful, A++++++++
jayinchicago
25 Jun 11 at 7:22 pm
*Bookmarks for future reference!*
nix
26 Jun 11 at 1:46 am
Strangely, while the trans status seems to be important for some people, you’ll never hear something like: “There is something important I want to tell you, and I hope you won’t reject me for that: I’m cis”.
Butch Cassidyke
26 Jun 11 at 5:08 am
I think it’s a demand that *only* makes sense through the lens of cissexism – that a trans person is not really their sex, that trans is an invalidation.
Because otherwise, it’s meaningless as a form of disclosure – why did I say I’m a woman… when I’m really a woman?
Queen Emily
26 Jun 11 at 9:30 am
really appreciate this post.
I feel particularly sick when I see this deployed as a type of victim-blaming (e.g. trans panic defense). as if non-disclosure invites and justifies violence against women.
MHS
26 Jun 11 at 12:26 pm
“There’s something I really need to tell you; I’m a bigoted asshole, and it would be wrong for me to allow you to think otherwise.”
*phew* Potential crisis averted…
frayd
26 Jun 11 at 5:55 pm
Thanks, all. I was worried it wasn’t blunt enough.
Lisa Harney
26 Jun 11 at 11:47 pm
*applause*
I’m a cis woman, dating a trans woman. I’m glad she’s out to me, but if she didn’t want to tell me, she sure as shit wouldn’t have had any obligation to tell me, and I didn’t have any right to know, anymore than I had any obligation to tell her I have bipolar disorder, or my class background, or, indeed, that I’m cis.
People have the right to privacy, yes, even from the people they’re close to.
MadGastronomer
27 Jun 11 at 4:12 pm
I think a lot of trans people do disclose, and I know I’m not even interested in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t know I’m trans, but it’s the idea that trans people must be required to disclose or we’re dishonest and lying that really gets me.
Lisa Harney
27 Jun 11 at 5:00 pm
While this isn’t an issue that has ever come up for me, I really appreciate that you made the case for this so clearly. I think while hatred is an unfortunate part of cis people’s reactions, I think ignorance is by far the most common reason. This can be attributed to both a)people are generally stupid and b)it’s only recently that trans people have become “socially acceptable”*. I think a lot of cis people just have absolutely no idea what it means to be trans, what it feels like, what sort of ignorant bullshit trans people have to go through. This little piece is something important everyone should know, thanks for writing it. I’m cis and have known transgendered people in my life, and to be honest I really don’t know a lot about what they go through. I imagine it’s the same sort of nonsense I get for being atheist/child-free/unmarried etc, only probably with 47% more hate.
*As in no longer illegal/considered a mental illness/able to be openly discussed etc
Madfishmonger
30 Jun 11 at 9:44 am
I want to expand on the point you made when you said,
The way I see it, the accusation that a trans person is being deceptive by not disclosing that zie is trans is placing the responsibility on the wrong person. Here’s what I would say to people who make that claim:
It is not my responsibility to protect you against whatever fears you may have about who I am or might be. If interacting with a trans person is a concern for you, is a trigger for you, than you need to take care of yourself by asking the people you interact with that question. And, if you find yourself upset because you have been interacting with a trans person without knowing it, then you need to own the responsibility for not having taken care of yourself by protecting your boundaries, but in no way is it my fault that you are now upset. After all, it doesn’t bother me in the least that I am trans and interacting with you. In other words, it’s not my problem. It’s yours. Hopefully, next time, you will take better care of yourself.
ArizonaAbby
30 Jun 11 at 9:46 am
Lisa, have I told you lately that you rock? (And how about you, Arizona Abby?)
Some of my most supportive lesbian friends, friends I love dearly, just don’t get what’s wrong and frustrating about their saying the ethical thing to do – something I must do – is to disclose before getting sexually intimate with someone I’m dating.
I have a new girlfriend who wants me to tell them they’re wrong, that if I had disclosed before both of us broke our personal rules about sex on the first date, she would have been frightened off … and she’s glad Nature took Her course.
Unfortunately, as someone who came out as a lesbian fairly recently, she’s currently struggling with wrapping her head around the personal history discordant with her experience of the woman she loves.
I chose to disclose, soon but not immediately, because this is an intimate relationship I want to pursue, and knowledge of each other is part of intimacy.
Then, too, I pretty much have to, as I’m in the process of publishing a new edition of “Mirrors – Portrait of a Lesbian Transsexual,” which will really push me over the edge of stopping hiding. (My clever remark is that I’m engaged in an act of recluse endangerment.)
While I keep my fingers crossed that love (and passion) will outweigh fear, I know I would not have had the opportunity for what could turn out to be a significant relationship had I followed the supposed rules. It is a privilege when I share my history, not a right; it’s something earned, and it’s my choice.
And yes, while an inability to cope may have consequences for me, it’s not my problem. Neither is it my responsibility to cater to anyone’s ignorance and fear.
Beth Elliott
30 Jun 11 at 4:09 pm
Thanks much.
This can’t be said often enough.
Lisa Harney
1 Jul 11 at 12:18 am
Yes!
I’d also add that if a person, in a romantic context or not, chooses to trust you with an identity disclosure, it still doesn’t give you leave to start asking a bunch of invasive questions (about surgical statues, etc.), like people like to do with Trans folk.
Always (always!) allow people to share what they will and take is as the beautiful gift that it is.
Ethan
3 Jul 11 at 6:44 am
Thank you for articulating it so well.
I am cis. There is no reasonable (in my opinion) expectation that I disclose that I am cis, how many past partners I may have had (physical or purely romantic), my health status unless it has a direct bearing on my partner (I would consider it an obligation if they were, you know, about to be exposed to something if we did whatever-it-was we were contemplating), whether or not I have any artificial parts (including enhancements to my perceived sexual characteristics), and on and on and on.
So why the h*** should there be any obligation on the part of the other person to disclose any of that to me? And I’m sorry, but “I am cis” is the flip side of “I am not trans” is disclosing the SAME PIECE OF INFO (your gender status relative to your assigned gender at birth). Yes, one is the “default assumption or expectation” and the other is not, but so what?
Yes, I tend to assume that someone who is female, presents as female, was assigned that gender at birth and has all the “usual” physical characteristics of a woman. And the same for someone presenting as male, etc. But if I’m wrong, it is not their fault I assumed it, and if it makes me uncomfortable it is not their fault either. (I really should know better, but I do still fall prey to the default assumptions society trained me in. On the other hand, so what? That doesn’t – scratch that. That SHOULDN’T give me a right to be upset when those assumptions are violated. Society being what it is, a lot of people would say I have the right, but that doesn’t mean it should exist.)
Thank you for saying this. I agree with it utterly – but I also needed to hear it articulated and think about it. And I passed it on in case anyone I know also needed to hear/read it.
Laura
7 Jul 11 at 10:18 pm
PS: If I’m already dating you, your trans status will only bump you up in my eyes, or at least afford you a lot more slack in the “what to expect” area. Which is only good unless I’m not sure you like me, then I’ll just freak out like a typical cis-woman ;)
Kayle
13 Jul 11 at 5:43 am
Um – I’ve bottled this for a coupla days, but…
Kayle – could you clarify what you mean by holding trans people to different standards (what to expect) to cis people within relationships? and what you meant by “freaking out like a ‘typical’ cis person” (yes, a paraphrase, but I feel it’s valid).
Laura – Expecting a partner to be cis is sorta normal, we are all raised to believe that – it’s how we react when the world gets to playing with us that we’re judged on – sounds like you’re doing ok/
To the topic…
The odd thing that I find about all of this is that we’re expected to decieve, I’m pretty open about my gender status beyond a certain level – I wouldn’t call this level ‘trust’ – but something like working out the person won’t freak out, and most people I trust that far tend to disregard my status
But the most othering moments have all come from people who i wasn’t even attracted to – people who bandied words like deception and rape – and typically rigidly cis -normative people – I find the whole disclosure thing a really fucked game in that the people who demand it are typically (in my experience) not even involved.
Predators even – perhaps that too far, but it’s my experience.
Most people are less bothered.
Em
15 Jul 11 at 1:08 am
I am not trans but I completely hear where you’re coming from, do I have to tell every man or woman I enter into a relationship with that I was sexually abused as a child? Is it my choice? Or do I have to disclose everything? Am I lying to them. No I don’t think I am, these things aren’t exactly the same, I understand. Surely when you’re in a relationship with someone and you feel like you can be yourself you might share those things with them, like when you get to a certain point and you feel completely comfortable with them and you want to know each other as well as you possibly can. But other than that, it is your choice and its not a right of theirs to know everything thats happened in your past if they want to be included in your future. Also apologies for the earlier comment, I hit enter too soon.
Rve
16 Jul 11 at 12:03 pm
Hey, I’m working on putting out a zine with a friend of mine about navigating relationships/sex and safer sex for trans people..Would you mind if we borrowed some pieces of this (with credit, of course)?
CT
28 Aug 11 at 2:11 pm
Not at all.
Lisa Harney
28 Aug 11 at 2:32 pm
I just give up on the damn romantic relationship business entirely. I am still in the midst of getting divorced and I just hope it never comes up again. I’d rather be alone than navigate this crap.
My cis partner, leaving me after my transition, informed me that I was lying because I “never told” him. I was a full-time “cross”-dressed and told him a good five years before we hooked up that I was a transgender man, to which he responded, “Oh, that explains a lot. You really are a guy.” So how was it that I “never told”, I asked? I didn’t correct people on their pronouns. So I am a liar.
Cis privilege makes people insane. I was supposed to disclose my trans status before we dated, and did, but evidently I was supposed to also beat the whole world over the head with my pronouns, and make sure that my partner understood that saying, “I wish I could transition, but I will never be able to,” means that actually, maybe, one day I will.
Something really irritating, that I’d like to see addressed on this blog: cis partners of trans people get a free ride when they divorce us for transitioning. There’s a sizable demographic who will say that a person who divorces a partner because zie has gained weight is an asshole. There is a sizable demographic who will say that a person who divorces a partner because zie has developed a disability is an asshole. There is a sizable demographic who will say that a person who divorces a partner because zie has changed careers is an asshole. But divorcing a person because zie transitions? Even groups of trans people tend to accept this as okay. “Well, that’s a really big change,” they say. Yep. So are other health issues, and so are career changes, babies, and aging. When these things happen to a partner, the other partner is expected to weather it and is a screw up if zie fails, but transition? If that leads to a crashed marriage, it’s always the transitioner’s fault, since everybody, our romantic partners included (and perhaps especially) is held to a spectacularly low standard when it comes to treating trans people decently, and with loyalty.
Doc
6 Sep 11 at 12:21 am
Hmm, I’m not sure I agree with some of those comparisons, but I do agree with you about divorce and transition. Unfortunately, I know practically nothing about this, having never been married and having no intention to ever get married. I would be open to having a guest post on it.
Lisa Harney
6 Sep 11 at 12:29 am
Re: Comparisons. Nothing is exactly like transition except transition, and yours probably wasn’t like mine. I expect that everybody’s going to find some of them to be invalid comparisons.
I also expect a great majority of people in the world at large will say that NONE of those comparisons are valid. They say, “Such a big change!” but they are not talking about the magnitude of change. It’s the quality of the change.
I think it’s weird as heck that the same people who were bewildered that my presumably straight spouse was married to somebody with such a distinctly male presentation would respond to news of my transition by assuming that we’d divorce, but they did. I really doubt they would have jumped to that conclusion if my body had changed in some other, equally or even more drastic way, even if it was a way that presumably made me unattractive to straight males.
Doc
6 Sep 11 at 2:19 am
I disagreed with the comparisons because I’ve come across more than enough people who are perfectly down with divorce because of disability – and I mean, I’m not going to argue that anyone should stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in, but some of the nastiest things I have ever read from married or formerly married people is talking about their disabled partners and exes.
I don’t think the comparisons are invalid because “transition is such a big change,” I think that if you look in the right places, you’ll find people who think that leaving a partner over those things is perfectly reasonable and even to be expected.
I believe you are correct about your last paragraph.
Lisa Harney
6 Sep 11 at 3:37 am
I also think there are some really stringent, yet inconsistent and sometimes almost random standards of “honesty” that are applied to trans people, often retroactively.
Lisa Harney
6 Sep 11 at 3:39 am
Oh! I am sure there are far more than enough people who think it’s fine to divorce for all those reasons. It’s just that one doesn’t have to search high and low to find people who think that is really not at all fine.
The retroactive standards, yes. They are batty. And seem to be likely to appear in every relationship, not just dating ones. I characterize it as “Don’t tell the world, it makes everyone uncomfortable, but you better tell /me/ before I begin to care about you so I can decide if I want to care about a freak like you!” And of course, if you don’t there’s, “Waaa! I am so mad! Now I have to deal with the cognitive dissonance of knowing you’re human when I really really want to dehumanize people like you! I refuse to do it and I blame you for my discomfort. Liar!!”
Doc
6 Sep 11 at 12:01 pm
The retroactive standards, yes. They are batty. And seem to be likely to appear in every relationship, not just dating ones.
Including friendships. “Of course I think you’re a woman” followed by “you don’t need tampons because you’re not a woman”. That friendship did not last long.
GallingGalla
8 Sep 11 at 6:13 pm
Doc, your second paragraph sums it up so perfectly I do not know how to improve upon it.
GallingGalla,
That is so gross.
Lisa Harney
8 Sep 11 at 6:22 pm
I can’t tell you how much I needed to see this. I was told by a cis female yesterday that I should disclose on my dating profile so others could make their choice just as I have. My response was when people intro themselves and include their penis and/or breast size then I will.
A Noun
16 Sep 11 at 10:16 am