This is a vent, and this is the best place for my vent:
So every time there is a conversation about trans people dating cis people, cis people come out of the woodwork to lay down the command that all trans people are required to disclose upon commencing any relationship. They also say that not disclosing is explicitly lying.
For some strange reason, however, there is never any onus on cis people to list “being trans” as one of the dealbreakers for a relationship. If every cis person would explicitly indicate whether or not they were willing to have relationships with trans people, this would not be an issue and no one would ever argue for mandatory, forced disclosure.
But since we live in the real world where trans people have to navigate cissexism, transphobia, outright hatred, and violence, and where cis people just casually assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise, trans people are left having to decide for ourselves how we approach relationships.
It’s up to any given trans person to decide who they are willing to date and how they filter those people, just as it is for everyone else. It is up to trans people to determine when and if disclosure is necessary. Choosing not to disclose is not lying, as everyone has a right to privacy and boundaries. No relationship requires every participant to reveal absolutely everything about themselves so that they share 100% – no matter how many cis people claim this is the case but only when discussing whether they think trans people should be required to disclose.
I am not saying that trans people should or should not disclose. I am saying it’s a choice. Since trans people have to live with being trans, then it is up to trans people to decide how to negotiate that.
I also realize that for many, non-disclosure may not be an option at all. I also realize that for many, non-disclosure may actually involve lying about their gender (non-binary especially). I understand that this entire argument is biased toward binary trans people who have the option of not disclosing without also lying about their true gender.
I am just annoyed with cis people trying to make these decisions for us and tell us how we are supposed to live. Obviously, they cannot make these decisions for us, but it is the assumption, and the assertion, that they are uniquely positioned to demand compliance with their bullshit.
Edit to add: Demanding 100% disclosure of everything ever in someone’s history in order to have a relationship is controlling and abusive. It is not typical behavior in a relationship, and no one is entitled to this.